Image by Tess Johnson
This post is intended for all of us, the pavement chasers. Confused, struggling, yet somehow ecstatic on this whirlwind of a journey. Also, this is not a motivational post. This is just a tiny piece of my story, that I know most of you can relate. But I believe this is a positive post, depending on your state of mind.
The plan after college was: Pass the board exams, pass the TOEFL english proficiency exam, take the NPTE in the US. Work and find my Chandler Bing in New York City. We'll have twins. Charot. There was no plan B. I was very determind to follow it. And then, it was slowly happening, in front of my very eyes. My dreams were turning into reality! I passed the board exam the same year, I passed the toefl exam. Then I had to pull some strings, and then eventually flew to the US. My knees went weak as soon as I landed in Chicago then in New York. It was just like in the movies! But to make the long story short, I didn't want to recall the struggles I had (drama syet lol). I went home and laid out my plan B. Puli pahuway sa banga lol. New York is just a distant memory now. I always tell myself, you were very young then. It just wasn't meant for you.
Which leads me to why I am writing this.
Deutschland!
This opportunity came as a surprise, as to most of us I suppose. It's not even plan B because all of this was never planned. And its been a long time since I had been waiting for something that would excite me again. Something that would blow the shit out of my brains. I am exaggerating by saying this, but it literally feels like building an empire out of the ashes of my dreams. It is someting I just couldn't resist. It left me wondering, pondering... oh what a lot of pondering that was.
It has been two and a half months since I've been jobless. Leaving one thing that I truly and dearly love. Okay well, who am I kidding, it's the "no salary" thing that's been holding me back. The pride I had to swallow to ask for money again was the hardest part. But eh, it became easier as days passed. It's desensitizing yourself, key to this thing, I swear. Two months ago, my head is battling with my pride if this is going to be all worth it. If I won't regret finally entering into something that is unsure, unknown. Though the other half of me is telling me that nothing will ever happen if I don't take a risk or something. Well,the risky part of me won and I couldn't be happier. And no, I don't have any regrets. I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind, i'm young and I'm underpaid, I'm lost but I'm hopeful babyyyyyyy! haha. Kidding aside, I want to thank my family for being so supportive about this. (Or basi wala na sila choice kundi supportaran ako lol) To my patients whom I visit in their homes for supplying my weekly allowance. Hihi. Hey, don't get me wrong in all of this. It actually got all better now. I am self sustaining. I have time for everything. And it all just worked out. And yes, I'm happy, happier than two months ago.
We all have our reasons why we chose to take this path. For me it's always been like Narnia, there's always something new to learn and discover everyday. Maybe some of us were only blinded by the idea of Germany or Europe. Novels and movies portraying them as a magical place,where all things are beautiful. It could easily be like the King's Landing or Winterfell of Westeros. But I guess, those are the same ones who gave up so easily. Never knowing that all of it comes with a lot of patience and hard work. (I have patience, but still working on the studying hard part lol) Some were in it for the opportunity to earn more, a lot more than what we're used to. Some are here by an unknown force that pushes them to study the unthinkable for their families. Some are here by chance, I am one of these people. (I wanted to say destiny but it might sound cheesy lol). Younger ones are maybe here for the opportunity to travel. This is like a battlefield, not among our classmates but among ourselves. Battle mostly against time, pride, pressure from family and money. We have lost a few good ones. And whatever their reasons for quitting, I can only wish for their happiness. We are after all, just a bunch of former freshmen college students waiting for something that would eventually feel right, where ever that might be.
But I am stronger and wiser now. For the longest time, I can finally say, I am ready, more than ever.
It's the thrill of chasing it. But I'm keeping my eyes wide open too, I know that this is just the start, and that the real journey will commence once we get there. I know that it would't be all rainbows and butterflies too. But the thing is, I am not scared of what's out there anymore. Sus man ah. Ako pa ya. Hahahaha
Though it can be frustrating sometimes. Because I choose the easy words and somehow it means less than what I would actually mean. If I can express myself as detailed as this in Deutsch. Then I'll be the happiest person in the world. Sorry for the side comments.
Some already made it! Most of us are still hoping to make it. We will get there. I'm no one, but I just know we will. :D
Here's to us! Here's to love! For all the times that we messed up! Here's to you fill the glass coz the last few nights have gone too fast, so let's wish them well.
To everyone who has been a part of this journey so far, and to the ones I have yet to meet. Thank you! (Maka speech ko daw nakapasar na ko B2 nyahaha)
Alles zu seiner Zeit.
-Emery 🌱
P.s Some parts were in present tense for added literary drama. lol
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